Letting Go

We've had some problems with members of my family recently, and although I'd rather not get into the details over the internet, I will say it's been very tough. I've lost a lot of sleep, it has affected my mood during the day, and it has even made me physically ill more than once. This past week has been exceptionally rough for us. It had been nearly a month since I'd had any contact with certain people, and I got a text message inquiring about seeing our kids. At first, I felt guilty. I mean, really guilty. I had no idea how to respond, and an internal tug of war began. On the one hand, I did not think it would be a good idea to let my kids go with them, but on the other hand, I didn't want to be seen as a petty, immature brat allowing personal biases to cloud my judgement. After a somewhat bitter text fight (the individual I was conversing with refused to answer the phone when I called), I made up my mind. The kids would be staying home. I talked with Patrick about the whole situation when he came home, we argued a little, but decided we could give my family another chance. The following evening, the kids were picked up at 5pm, and were returned just after 8pm. From what we could tell, there was no harm done, and we figured things would be tricky going forward, but not impossible.

Then, the next morning, our daughter hit me with a bombshell. She reluctantly offered up information she was specifically ordered not to share with me, and I was thrown for a loop. I was confused, scared, hurt, but most of all, I was livid. I was so angry, I'm sure I could have thrown fireballs from my eyes. I just could not believe the words coming out of my child's mouth, and not because I thought she was lying, but because I just couldn't fathom anyone, especially family members, stooping to such a low level. My knee jerk reaction was to text the people involved to let them know what my innocent little girl had just told me and to inform them they would no longer be allowed around my children, but then I thought: "Mmmm... better not." (Thank you, Pitch Perfect for providing me with the perfect line). I knew confronting these people would get me nowhere. There was no way I was going to be convinced that my child was lying to me, and I didn't have the energy or emotional strength to be yelled at, condescended to, insulted, threatened, or just plain disrespected. A situation like this presented itself last year, and there was no way I was going to put myself through that again. Nope. I would not go to the source, not this time. All I did was call my husband to let him know what our babies had been subjected to. Then, I talked to my sister in law about it to get her opinion on the situation. I cannot even begin to describe how comforting it is to know there are people on my side who not only support me, but feel the same way I do about important issues. Needless to say, both of the family members I talked to that morning were just as upset as I was.

That night, my husband and I decided to talk to the police about what happened. We were told we couldn't file a complaint, and as much as that bothered me, I understood why. In order for a report to be made, the incident would need to be proved, and that was something we just couldn't do. The officer did provide us with some helpful information, though. He let us know we were well within our rights as parents to deny my family members access to our children. I was already pretty sure about that, but wanted formal confirmation, and receiving it brought much needed relief. At that point, I considered contacting the people who had offended us, but once again, decided not to. Instead, my husband and I got our phone numbers changed. We realized getting new phone numbers wouldn't be a cure all, but we truly felt it was a step in the right direction. It was also a decision long overdue.

I'm to the point where I just want to move on with my life. There have been so many problems in the past few years, and I refuse to continue opening myself up to disappointment. I am fully aware that those on the other side do not see things the way I do. We have conflicting values, opinions, beliefs, and general views regarding very important aspects of life, and these differences seem to be the root of all our issues. I realize those on the other side feel victimized and mistreated. They feel I'm a disrespectful drama queen who enjoys stirring the pot and causing problems. This is fine with me, really. They are entitled to their opinions and emotions, and despite my anger, I can acknowledge and accept their feelings. There are always two sides to every story, and I only have the power to tell mine.

The decision to cut my losses and move on has not been an easy one. I've made this decision a few times in the past, and never stuck to it. I can't pinpoint exactly what has always led to me standing on a shaky foundation, but I can say without a doubt that my children play a huge part in it all. I have never wanted to punish my children for situations they were not involved in. They are just innocent bystanders, and what kind of mother would I be if I ripped them from the only world they've ever known out of anger or pain? What goes on between me and another person has absolutely nothing to do with them, ever. Well, until now, anyway. My husband and I have done our best to shield them from everything. We do not discuss anything with them that they do not have a need to know. We do not talk ill of people in front of them. We do not project our feelings about others onto them. Our children are innocent, and have a right to remain that way. We want them to love everyone and to form their own opinions. We do not want to sway them. Unfortunately, the swaying was done for us without our consent or knowledge, and we were forced to take action.

What kind of parents would we be if we didn't do everything in our power to protect our young? What kind of parents would we be if we didn't believe our children, especially when they are too little to understand the immediate benefits of lying? I had to ask myself a few questions: First, where would my daughter come up with the story she told me? She is only 6, and although she does have a very active imagination, she only acts out scenarios she's been exposed to. Second, what motive would she have to lie to me? She doesn't know how to lie to get others in trouble. She certainly knows how to lie to keep herself out of trouble, but she's not good at it. In addition, she wouldn't want those people to get in trouble. She loves them and wants to be around them. She'd have no reason to do what she did if it was all a farse. Third, does the other side have motive? Yes, I'd say they do. They don't like my husband and I. They only talk to me when it involves my children, and can't even stand to be in the same room with me longer than they have to. Fourth, would the other side have anything to gain from this? Once again, yes, I feel they would. They're upset, and I can fully understand wanting to give in to the urge to seek revenge. They feel they were severely wronged, and have every reason to want to get back at me for what they feel I did to them. Plus, they want to have unlimited access to my children, and not having to work with me to do so would be ideal. Fifth, can I allow the relationships between my children and these family members to continue after this? No. I can't. This answer is not coming from a place of anger, it stems from the instinct to protect. This overwhelming need to protect my children is stronger than any other instinct I possess. I will always put my children and their well being above all else, even if that means stepping on other's toes and, well, pissing people off. I am a lioness, and those three children are my cubs. You don't want to mess with my cubs because my bite is fierce and my claws sharp.

I hope to one day be able to use this situation as a teaching moment. I want my children to understand there will be times when they will be caught between a rock and a hard place, and at the end of the day, they have to do what they feel is right. I don't want them to give in to whatever is easiest, especially if the easy way out is going to lead to them feeling awful about themselves. I want them to realize it's okay to feel guilty about letting go of something or someone, but if it's truly for the best, they need to let go.